Homo Sapiens VS The Grated Bridge or: How to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Thrill.

Before we begin today I would like everyone to participate in a few mental warm up exercises:

Take a deep breath. And another. And another. Good. Now lay down and close your eyes. Imagine you are laying on a bed of clouds. So silky soft and smooth. All your muscles are relaxed. Life is at ease...

Now get up and go to your kitchen and locate your cheese grater. Go on, do it. Now apply it to any exposed flesh and give it a good down stroke, sharpened edges against the epidermis. And another. And another. Good. How did that feel? Did it hurt? Did it bleed? Did it feel good you masochistic freak? Did it successfully tear off multiple strips of flesh, with hair still clinging to them, in a perfect configurative pattern and length to reveal your dermis and allow the exposed blood vessels to pour forth the thick red bodily fluid so essential to life? If not, apply more pressure and try again. Once you have achieved significant damage, dress your wounds with a gauze so we can continue.






Now undress your wounds, take the gauze, and squeeze the blood it absorbed into a small drinking glass. This will be used to accentuate the direness of the subject we are going to cover next by bringing your mental state into a sense of madness.

Drink the blood. NOW! Go on, do it! Are you afraid or disgusted? You are pathetic! Drink it! Good! Well done! (One could also garnish the beverage with the skin flaps they grated earlier.) As the thickened blood cells coagulate and cling to your teeth, tongue, and throat begin to internalize what you've just done.

[Bonus: Practicing this exercise with a friend will allow to drink each other's blood!]






You have just drank your own or another's blood! It is unnatural! It is disgusting! You should be freaking out [if not, seek professional mental stability help] because that shit is fucked up! Your mind should be racing in a fiery frenzy trying to figure out what atrocious act you have just committed against yourself. Are you feeling uneasy? Are you feeling nauseous, dizzy, and perhaps little maddened?

NOW LOOK AT THIS GIANT HUMAN SIZED GRATER AND IMAGINE WHAT IT COULD DO TO YOUR ENTIRE BODY AS YOU ARE PROPELLED ACROSS IT AT 28-60 MPH!!!






The feelings you have experienced through this exercise are what every homosapien feels when approaching a grated bridge on a motorized two-wheeled vehicle! Your feelings are perfectly normal! Whew! What a relief, right?


Seattle is littered with several grated bridges that connect one half of Seattle to the other. On a daily basis we cross these human shredders, even if they may be cold, wet and icy! The material they are born from is indestructible, razor sharp titanium. They are forged from the depths of hell into a crosshatched pattern as such, that if you happen to crash on one and land with your hands down then your fingers are guaranteed to go through the negative space of the grate. This will rip your fingers right the fuck off your hand in a mere fraction of a second, leaving only bleeding knobs for hands. Or sometimes it will tear your finger's flesh right off the bone like a well cooked pork rib, leaving your skinless, literally bony digits protruding from your knuckles as the rest of your body continues to slide and roll down the grates, being obliterated and churned into a meatball by the sharp, high-friction metal.

[Fun Fact: There is a known congregation of aquatic vertebrate, water dwelling mammals, and birds that live under and around grated bridges. They feed off the meaty droppings of human remains that fall and drip into the water beneath.]



TO AVOID CERTAIN DEATH:
Go really really fast. As fast as you can, even if that means speeding. Do not turn. Keep your hand grip relaxed to allow for the bike to guide itself over the treacherous beef grinder below. Do not hit the brakes unless utmost necessary and/or you want to die a grizzly mutilated death.

Too many have not obeyed these rules and have either died, or narrowly made it across. And if they do make it across at low speeds, they are traumatized for the rest of their life. A traumatization from which one can never ever recover.




Stay tuned next time for:
Earth's Population of Moped Rider's VS Their Insistence to Go Too Fast or: How to Blue Up Your Engine on a Reliable Basis/ How to Build an Unreliable Piece of (S)crap (Metal).